Sunday, August 12, 2018

enough

i just finished watching the spy who dumped me. mila kunis. its totally unexpected for me. i knew it was a comedy. ddnt know there would be gore in it too. now wonder its R rated.

and the people in are so into taking care of each others feelings. in especially inappropriate situations!

one of the scenes that struck me was when she thought she wasnt enough. coz she never finishes. i feel like that too sometimes. i never finish anything. the character was asked why and she said coz she was afraid of being mediocre. am that exactly. im not "doing" anything spectacular. just am. just being.

the scene where her best friend took a moment to appreciate her. that was nice. although the timing was inappropriate. she responded by brushing all the compliments off. "no it was nothing".

Image result for we need sun and rain compliments and critique

my problem is i have trouble accepting the former. i self depreciate enough sometimes i believe too much of other people's criticism of me. i know i shouldn't.

you are enough. dont be so hard on yourself. you wouldnt talk to your friends the way you talked to yourself, would you?

so that's what im working on now. i used to be working on starting. i had trouble with that. now im in the middle of multiple projects. which needs finishing. books that need finishing. articles that need reading.

im not sure if ive written about the greatest showman. i cried watching it. but the scene with this was heart wrenching too. i know the guy didnt mean anything, but it wasnt her fault either. what was she supposed to make of the situation. even if the situation was staring her in the eye. she still would have the same reaction about it.

May God ease. Allah is enough

Monday, July 9, 2018

death part 2

i meant to write more about the passing of my cousin.

between the last post and this one, there has been 3 hi profile suicides; kate spade, anthony bourdain and that man jumping of the 3rd storey in masjidil haram during the last 10days of ramadhan. so saddening the lives we lead as modern human civilisations.

i could not make myself to write about it. there has been extensive soc med coverage. hope the links still works in the future tho.

everything is so sad.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

death part 1

what a title. ive dealt with death before. my dear grandmother who i lived with when i got back from the uk. she had 9 children and countless grandchildren. the family coudnt very well wait for everyone, could they? well i thought its ridiculous they did not wait for the person who lived with her for years. me.

i meant to write about the premature demise of my cousin but lets start here first.

My dear Grandmother who we call tok. In trg, tok is female, because a male is tokki (tok lelaki). I came back from the UK 6months earlier than my family so i wouldnt miss crucial first semester of lower form. the plan was that i would stay with my aunty, then i was admitted to boarding school. dunno how they wrangled me in. its how i became a doctor anyway. the director was my other aunt's neightbour. some would call it networking, some would call it i dunno what calling in favours. im not sure if we owed them anything. may his soul rest in peace. when i went to boarding school, my maternal aunt mostly took care of me and i ended up staying at my tok's on the weekends, partly because no mahram was there i think. at my paternal aunt's there was my uncle by marriage and my male cousin. i had to sleep in headcoverings. on the other hand at my grandmother's there lived my maternal uncle. whom i always managed to get into a disagreement with. i think he was joking, but when i became a doctor he was startled at what i said, like when i say he shouldnt smoke with while  baby wearing.

on the weekends off from boarding school i would stay over at my grandmothers and she would wake me up. i slept in on most weekends, as most boarding school going teenagers do. she would buy me breakfast on her way back from the masjid. she would always take a cold cold shower first thing in the morning. i hear it does wonders. i plan to start doing this, i just dont know when.

she was the village mini shop. there was a proper mini shop, our neighbour who the whole village called mok teh sah. but my grandmother's house was a mini supply of mahjong, local coffee (qahwa), kain batik and all other sorts of things the mini market didnt provide. when i was in school i was selling things like keropok sira and in uia i took consignment for dakwah corner bookstore. i guess i know who i rubbed off. now i sell bits and pieces on the internet, mainly things i actually use and think it is useful to society. like the sports hijab.

tok never complained. not even when the headaches started and even when she fell. she blamed her bad knees. it was until her diagnosis of the brain tumour did we know that it was symtomatic of something more sinister, by the time it was diagnosed, they decided it was inoperable, due to her age among other things. apart from her bad knees (most likely osteoarthritis) she had fine health. a bit on the heavy side but she was very fit for her age.

she was bedridden for several months before her passing. in her drowsy state, she remembered to ask for me. asking if i was there. and why are all these people visiting her, she made sure i ensured everyone had a pillow and space to sleep on that night. that was how hospitable she was, even when she was bedridden. i observe that people show their true colours when the curtain of restrain is lifted, hence people who are really mean and spiteful, will be shown once they are demented. my grandmother was the exact opposite. she was extra extra nice and thats how everyone remembered her.

i still miss her dearly, he house has been passed to my uncles family and he has since departed too. my aunty by marriage and their kids live there. it feels dusty and cluttered with tok gone.

i will write about the other recent death. like i meant to write on board the return flight from osaka, but only managed 2 incomplete paragraphs.

i guess im still procesing and still not over it. its been 2w almost.


ramadhan night 20. brain dumping day 1 post tca. heres to progress.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

swamped

its been a hectic hectic past few weeks, feels like months, maybe it is encroaching that. i have cancelled my leave several times and am in need of urgent zone out time.

i was supposed to be outstation again this weekend. parliament's out and the PMs out and about going to announce projects and such. am glad this time i am reprieved of this circus. i deactivated my fb to get away from it all but had to get back on as there was some websites that needed my fb id to login.

my upper back is super sore post deep tissue massage, more like muscle pounding and kneading and pulverization. its black and blue.

im supposed to be asleep now, as i have yoga first thing tomorrow and lots of errands to run. mama and abi are otw to trg, tok de is hospitalized. i think i should go back and see her. but i have to settle the rental house. the prev tenant, actually my first tenant moved out and the house needs to be renovated. i have to move money around.

i have one cuti ganti to be redeemed. and if i went this sunday, i would get another plus a travelling day. but i do not want to be involved in that circus.

i had a point i wanted to write about just now but am super distracted. my mind is frazzled thinking about a million things now. most of which i cant write here

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

outstation

this department requires that if you are incharge of a far away state, you're out a lot. i signed up for an online course i thought i would take to improve my planning skills. turns out God wanted me to take t so i can fill u my time doing useful things. im already behind on 3 assignments! i wanna cry. havent been in this setting in a while =(.

my ride is here. tbc after dinner. am starved.

its the morning after. i meant to say i have thse assignments pending and another one coming up due tmoro and here i am going out to the expo and eating out till late.

i already had breakfast at the hotel. i ddnt know they had breakfast at the meeting bfore starting so i was rushing (as usual) only to find im super early. i have a runny nose, too much unnatural ventilation. i am not a fan of airconditioners. i prefer fans and cross ventilations.

one can do a task really great, especially when one is not meant to be doing it. like me and blogging. i should be writing up my assignments and redeeming myself. i hope i wont be charged extra fees for the late submissions.

oh yea main point of the post was outstations. i m travelling the way i want. i got the travel business bag i drooled over. i travel with my ipad and wireless keyboard. the rechargeable batteries cost 65% of the price of the actualy keyboard (not including postage). im wearing the shoes i got specifically for going to sites.

and yet i dont know what i'm feeling. kind a lethargic. maybe coz im always on the move. in and out of hotels and planes with the unnatural ventilations. i should be thankful im not stuck at home doing nothing, or at some factory job doing the same thing over and over again.

i do love travelling, im glad i get to do it. at first i did lots of daytrips. early morning flights and late afternoon return trips. now i try to avoid those, infact i rarely do them, i will usually arrive the day before. i have missed a morning meeting because of delayed landings due to bad weather.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

braindumping

sometimes im on a roll and i feel like writing lots and lots.

this morning i read an article on how to declutter your mind. im all for decluttering. i've read (and written about) konmari the lifechanging magic of decluttering, and her manual of tidying up spark joy. her view was that what ever was present in the external reflects our internal and it even influences it. ie the external was a symptom of internal. for example your messy room might be you trying to avoid issues in your life. i cant remember where i read it but have lost the link. thought i saved it.

so then my colleague gifted me a wonderful book her relative recommended entitled simplicite. the art of living. unlike the first book which was written by a japanese, this book is written by a french living in japan. it has 3 parts to it. the external world, your messy material clutter. once youre done with that, it proceeds with your body and finally the mind.

so thats where the short article today took me. it was a short lunch hour read and i took notes. its how i absorb.

the mind needs to declutter as so does everything in life. why we have spring cleaning. the article lists down some very useful advice. it starts off with braindumping. which i found is what i have been doing all these while. im a list maker and i usually have a few books at hand to write in. i try to separate work lists with personal or other rambling ideas that come to me during the day. so this article tells it very clearly on how to do it. i realised that i had a brain dump all this while. to unload, i would usually write it down in a book. sometimes the book change multiple times and i have lots of lists lying around. these lists are usually maintenance lists, like what to do, errands, groceries and such.

so once you have offloaded on to paper, this frees your mind from remembering so you can stop worrying if you will forget, you can just go back to your list and review what needs to be done.

prioritize. write everything down that crosses your wonderful mind but then prioritze the day's work.

when i first started working in an office i was so lost. i didnt know what to do on a daily basis. now i basically (rush to work lol) i need to devise a system for that haha anyway once i get to the office and have some breakfast, usually takes about an hour along with some general catching up with office mates and bosses. i sit down and review the list. usually i have a list of what needs to be done from the previous day or week. and i review whatever left over tasks that hasnt been completed prior. if needs be, i write a new list with things sectioned and prioritized. i tick each one as i complete them.

lots of procrastination is just indecisiveness. i really wanted to buy that little black book of decision making, but the price gap of how expensive east malaysia prices are got me. it was just rm3, but i thought it was unfair. anyway it will go on my to buy/read list. i should have just said yes! go for it. maybe i was just indecisive. (that led me to this which i will read later)

i have figured out that its ok to spend money on things that you value. do you value personal development? education? learning? so buy that book. and make sure you read it too! sometimes i think i just love the idea of books. i love having them, holding them, but to actually go through one really is a chore now. i used to be able to read a whole book in one sitting. devoured them. now i blame technology (fb newsfeed and their articles specifically) for my shortage of attention. i have to retrain my mind. sometimes i dont even read the piece, i just share and/or save it based on the title.

so apart from the practical day to day runnings of the day list, the article suggests that you should keep a journal. i used to have one i love writing in. i finished one, and in the middle of another, but thanx to another piece of technology (this time instagram) i rarely journal. its mostly on ig in the form of vague pictures and lengthy captions.

i wish i wrote more, but that would mean, i needed to read more. i also needed to discuss ideas and have found an avenue in the form of a well read colleague. i will make it a point to actually read so that i can squeeze in a weekly pseudophilosophically intriguing session with the said work mate.

so what goes in a journal? keep your goals in them, long term short term, write down things you learnt and ideas, i do that here on blogger, for vague public topics (ok those are going as a label from now). but the touchier subjects i mask with some articles. i used to post up lots of lyrics too on my blogs.

most importantly for me, is to write down feelings. what my most personal journals are full of. i make sure to date it, so when i flip through them few years back, i read as if i am a different person. i sometimes cant remember what or who i was talking about. i try to camouflage them for my future self and also untrusted intruders. but sometimes i cant believe i felt those things. i read somewhere that you need to keep a journal to entertain your future self. well that person is right. im thoroughly entertained at myself by myself. heh. i cant believe myself at times. anyway, thats how you learn. you actually have to go through it. just try to cushion it and dont let the scars go too deep. realise early what youre in. where youre in. how big is the puddle. muddle puddle

next, is to automate tasks. so make those automatic monthly compulsory transactions, so you dont have to keep remembering to pay the bills, or give money to your parents.

also watch what you consume. as with every vessel, such as the stomach, it is as important to watch what goes into your mind. curate your feeds. unfollow those useless or depressing feeds on social media.

set your time when you spend time on a task and set your phone on airplane/do not disturb mode. if you're in office, that means you official office phone is contactable. once you start taking out your phone to "google something" it will inadvertently lead you down a winding path of distractedness. i always go down that path. esp when my webwhatsapp is on =P

so that was all my notes from that article. i thought i was a great article, wish i knew where to find it again.

splurge

i just got my ipad a new keyboard.

it started with me wanting that tumi luggage. it was a bespoke carry on with 4 multidirectional wheels. it was lightweight. it had 2 compartments; for clothes and another for documents and laptop. it was oh so lightweight. it was basically perfect for a bis trip. ive been eyeing it for over a year. i think. maybe am exxagerating.

so there i was everytime i went thru the airport, i stopped and sighed at the outrageous price tag of over a quarter of my monthly salary. and proceeded to walk away.

that went on until one fine day as usual i walked into a store admiring that luggage, the detailing, the make, all the fine thoughtful design that went into it. the salesgirl proclaimed as i walked away: we have the blue one on with 40% off. i was just carrying my leather office bag i brought everywhere. i had another bag checked in for the trip to kk. i was a carry on size but i couldnt be bothered to drag it long the in and out of sabah immigration.

the one on sale wasnt the usual black one i eyed, it was a royal blue. i ddnt immediately like it. i wanted it coz it was on sale. but then it grew on me. the blue was nicer. it was a rich dark blue. i looked at their website and the one they had it was a different hue. slightly lighter.

so i asked for the specifications and she said it would fit a 15' laptop. i used to have a smaller vaio one, about the size of an A5, now i use this bulky one, coz i wanted the screen space. it also serves as my workstation at home. i no longer used my desktop.

so i bought it.

i admired it during the entire trip. and later found out that i could just drag that one luggage as this one had slots i could attach it to the other bag's luggage handle. i was sheepishly dragging along 2 luggage during the trip to the hotel from the airport.

so i got back from that wonderful work trip and found out that my laptop could not fit! insert meh face here. now i either had to buy another laptop or find another solution to my situation. i needed to bring something along my worktrips to do my work on. and i wasnt about to buy another laptop or another carry on bag.

i have an underutilized ipad3. i bought it coz i use an iphone and used to have a macbook pro (which i sold off to some deserving phd student who recently completed her phd yay). so i have the whole apple ecosystem. i thought i would use a tablet one day during my post grad days. which have yet to come. uhu. so instead i might as well make it my travel workspace.

i asked around for opinions on a suitable keyboard to pair with the tablet. and am glad i went with the logitech i found on carousell. i just received it today and it works like a charm. i dont know if i type too fast or if the keyboard is less responsive, but there is some minor lag. apart from that it works well i have to memorize again the apple shortcuts.

for the time being i dont have magic mouse to pair with it (yet). so i just use the touch screen.

the magnetic leather keyboard cover doubles as a stand so i can modify the distance i need it to be. which is better than a keyboard/ipad case combo i was considering. it is light. but not as thin as i imagine. the official ipad pro keyboard/casing is super thin, but i prefer the feel of pressing the keys on this one. im tactile. no point in getting a physical keyboard otherwise hey.

so at rm111 it was a bargain. included postage.

main takeaway: spend money on what gives you value.

money is a bit tight. i can feel the pinch ouch. aha its just God reminding to spend where it matters.

p/s i published it using the ipad//keboard combo but edited on my normal laptop. next on the list is to get some rechargeable batteries with charger.



Sunday, January 7, 2018

consumed

i meant to restart that other dazeadoll blog linked to my instagram. so once in a while feeling empty, i would shut down everything. albeit temporarily.

the kids are not home. the baby is 1y3m almost, she can toddle around and has quite a sweet personality. the middle thumbsucker 2 yr old. or maybe shes nearly 3. i dont remember when they were born or their ages. well shes on trial for a week at the nursery. just to get her to interact with other kids. to improve her speech n socializing skills. all she does at home is lay down, suck her thumb touch her belly button and watch tv. she doesnt really eat either. she only really drinks milk. ive read somewhere that kids with aversion to food and its associated with their microbiome and possibily autism. i personally think the autism spectrum is overdiagnosed. its just society giving their kids too much one way screen time. we have become consumers.

the eldest started playschool quite early and is repeating everything this year i think. i saw her books. she was sent initially coz 3 kids might be too much for the help to handle and we ddnt want them to be fed and bathed only. she needed the social stimulation from kids her age anyway. she speaks a lot. and has learnt that since she has that advantage she has spoken on behalf of her sister or even used her sister as an excuse for what she wants. like when asking to watch tv. she knows how to request for it. her sister just cried her way into it and tantrums.

too much consumerism. we dont produce enough. we just take everything in. instagram, facebook etc. scrolling and rescrolling incymi. checking how many likes and comments and hearts we got. i dont know how to turn off the likes notificatin feature. those dont really meant anything. it sometimes is a marker for people who want u to know they are reading or looking at your posts tho. which i think i am doing sort of.

i dont even have to get out of the house and i can binge watch for hours. we are so concerned with what we feed our physical selves we dont see what we feed our brain and souls as fortification. as the people of anne with an e says.

i have always loved anne of green gables. i read all the books. i cant remember what happened in it. i know that i love it tho. they remade it a few years ago i think which i never watched, so when they rebooted it on netflix. i binged on the whole 7 episode of series one. go watch its really good. i dont recall if that was what was in the book. but the characters in it faced some of the similar things we now face and fret about. i was looking for something soapy to cry over on netflix, when i couldnt find it i just watched anne with an e because i loved the book and her character. but thats exactly what i ended up doing, crying along with the character.

some of the issues addressed in the series makes you go aha. i read the critiques about how they ddnt have to portray the men as misogynists just to make her a strong feminist. im not for the feminist movement if it involved putting down men. i am for levelling the playing field. but the patriarchy i see in my malay muslim malaysian culture doesnt call for the field to be levelled. in the education and career. i see more women succeeding compared to men especially in university. i think the men need to buck up. yes to street smarts and all. but it pains me to see my friends pursuing theirs masters degrees and advancing their careers while their husbands are towed behind all over the country without a stable income to provide for the family. most of the people i know can and will or have left their husbands because they can. girls in my community earn enough to sustain themselves and their children.

the men have to buck up. its not just about the job and money but its about the responsibility and providing. men like to be in that role. but when its expected of them they say that its too much. or they agree but dont actually do anything about it. maybe the girls are expecting too much. but is it better than to settle?

i told my friends that i noticed people were tested with what they loved/are obsessed with most. esp those that take our directional compass away from God. so wives who loved their husbands dearly (maybe too much even) was tested with a sister wife to share that love with. couples who absolutely really want children are tested with fertility issues. people who do have kids are tested with a calamity that affects their beloved child, the loss of a child, but they fared well, as was replaced with more. and people who map out their lives getting married, having kids later and so on dont really go on to do that.

i m not caught up into all of that now. i can step aside in the stream and am more aware. yoga has helped me become aware of emotions, sensations, feelings in my body.

i ve written before about what ym said about feelings and emotions. they can come knocking, we cant stop them. but do we really have to open the door, let them in, invite them to sit down for tea? we can mute our phones and ignore spam messages. the spam goes directly to trash in our email. so yea we arent responsible for how people treat us, or how they make us feel even tho a small part is because we had buttons they knew how to push. yes we do falter sometimes, even tho we are aware of what they are knowingly doing, we still let them. its difficult to do. sieving out things. let the good things stay. knowing what the good things are. acknowledging and wanting the good things. the ultimate value based good things, not the frothy temporary feel good things which leave us empty.

we fill up the emptiness by consumption. we consume and think its the reality of everyone else s lives. we reproduce a fake image of ourselves, catching the best angles and lighting, and if that fails, filter everything to make people think we are perfect and shiny and happy.

so filter your feed. you can even be friends with them irl, but if their posts are what you want to consume, mute it. unfollow if you must. my fb feed is basically empty. i dont want to look at my friends and have untowardly feelings about their lives. ain is real.

fill you feeds with meaningful things. even better dont fill yourselves with feeds. fill yourself with knowledge and skill. go and do something. meaningful or otherwise. just go and do something.

its the just go and do it thats difficult. the starting. once you do start. make sure you finish.

i dont really do new years resolutions. because i do ramadhan ones. ramadhan resolutions has a nicer ring to it. but this year, ive just realised that ive basically become static for the past 4 years or so. it felt like that in medical school. when time froze for 5, you go in an 18 year old and leave not feeling much different. why they say med school keeps you young. at least thats what i got until recently that is. ppl have started to call me kak. and i am no longer offended =p i used to mind as i ddnt think i was that old. but being in your early 30s you definitely not want 20 something year olds being overly familiar with you. it was flattering at first but now its annoying. i am not at that stage in my life where i have to worry about scholarships and assignments. oh gosh maybe i am.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

crafting

I've always loved working with my hands. I crossstiched when i smaller. then took it up again for a short stint during matriculation. it wasnt the highly complicated adult ones, it was one of those cute ones still.

I also sewed after my SPM. went to formal classes. I enjoy making things immensely.

During school in the UK, Art was one of the subjects i enjoyed thoroughly, even though i dont consider myself as having innate talent. My paintings during SPM looked still. more of a diagramatic Moores clinical anatomy illustration rather than art. I got a B and ruined my SPM certificate hehe. It wasnt ruined, I just broke the streak of having all A's. wait I was the first who took SPM with my siblings so I guess I did them a favour by not getting all A's. haha. yes they progressively got more and better A's. this was probably the only B in the whole family.

I also enjoyed wood work, metal work during high school. and in primary school, clay work and other art projects involve with pasting and making things. I cant draw to save my life. except diagrams. I can do those, and tables and hierarchies.

I have now taken up another crafting project: leather work! gaa

Should i invest in the tools tho. i think its lovely to fix things i already have. but leather is not very environmentally friendly.

That reminds me i need my puncher and scrap leather from my sofa to use up.

Maybe some picture will follow. or can check out #dazeamakes if the link isnt broken

finish

I did not finish fully synthesizing the previous blog blog. There was a few other topics in my notes which was not fully explore. I have to learn how to finish.

The trouble is all think we have enough time.

So here is the thing about finishing; there can be a good or a bad finish.

Bad ones are the ones where there is no closure. when the finish is unexpected. I'm thinking about a few things now; a friend's grave diagnosis, a relationship that wasn't meant to be. if it can even be called that. usually the bad ones are the things that happen abruptly. As we are unprepared.

That's why we are taught to pray for a Good Ending, husnul khotimah.

Why are we unprepared when we know the inevitable is coming. Death. End of a relationship. Why does it still catch us by surprise? When you know it WILL happen. you just don't know when. Everything has an appointed term.

I think my problem with finishing is facing the fact that it did. How do we prepare ourselves better for the fact.

I just started a leather crafting workshop. I think I bought my starter set. Gosh. I was planning on buying a sewing machine to get back to sewing. Maybe I can merge the two somehow.

My workout schedule is totally haywire, it was al nice and spreadout through the week, now it has been compressed to about 2 classes per weekend day. I have to sort that out some how and not be too rigid with what I do.

As long as I have some cardio, toning, strengthening and stretching.

I should find some time for Strong by Zumba. It's good, i just dread the moments leading up to it. Running is definitely not my thing. I have to find another outlet for cardio. I need to find time for gym time, or make friends with new PTs.

I want to hike, daytrips maybe. And also take up swimming. So many things on my plate!

I know I need to prioritize lest I dont get all. The only thing consistent now is Salsation. I'm very selective about my classes, I ddnt use to be. actually I did, I just followed one instructor everywhere, but shes based nearby so i can follow most of her classes. now im sort of over Zumba. just doesnt get me anymore.

I have a training end of January. I said its because I wanted to improve my skills. but hey theres no harm if I actually do teach later.

So thats physical activity and creativity outlet adressed.

Other areas I wanna address is nutrition and spiritual needs. and later relational ones.