Sunday, December 10, 2017


I've always loved working with my hands. I crossstiched when i smaller. then took it up again for a short stint during matriculation. it wasnt the highly complicated adult ones, it was one of those cute ones still.

I also sewed after my SPM. went to formal classes. I enjoy making things immensely.

During school in the UK, Art was one of the subjects i enjoyed thoroughly, even though i dont consider myself as having innate talent. My paintings during SPM looked still. more of a diagramatic Moores clinical anatomy illustration rather than art. I got a B and ruined my SPM certificate hehe. It wasnt ruined, I just broke the streak of having all A's. wait I was the first who took SPM with my siblings so I guess I did them a favour by not getting all A's. haha. yes they progressively got more and better A's. this was probably the only B in the whole family.

I also enjoyed wood work, metal work during high school. and in primary school, clay work and other art projects involve with pasting and making things. I cant draw to save my life. except diagrams. I can do those, and tables and hierarchies.

I have now taken up another crafting project: leather work! gaa

Should i invest in the tools tho. i think its lovely to fix things i already have. but leather is not very environmentally friendly.

That reminds me i need my puncher and scrap leather from my sofa to use up.

Maybe some picture will follow. or can check out #dazeamakes if the link isnt broken


I did not finish fully synthesizing the previous blog blog. There was a few other topics in my notes which was not fully explore. I have to learn how to finish.

The trouble is all think we have enough time.

So here is the thing about finishing; there can be a good or a bad finish.

Bad ones are the ones where there is no closure. when the finish is unexpected. I'm thinking about a few things now; a friend's grave diagnosis, a relationship that wasn't meant to be. if it can even be called that. usually the bad ones are the things that happen abruptly. As we are unprepared.

That's why we are taught to pray for a Good Ending, husnul khotimah.

Why are we unprepared when we know the inevitable is coming. Death. End of a relationship. Why does it still catch us by surprise? When you know it WILL happen. you just don't know when. Everything has an appointed term.

I think my problem with finishing is facing the fact that it did. How do we prepare ourselves better for the fact.

I just started a leather crafting workshop. I think I bought my starter set. Gosh. I was planning on buying a sewing machine to get back to sewing. Maybe I can merge the two somehow.

My workout schedule is totally haywire, it was al nice and spreadout through the week, now it has been compressed to about 2 classes per weekend day. I have to sort that out some how and not be too rigid with what I do.

As long as I have some cardio, toning, strengthening and stretching.

I should find some time for Strong by Zumba. It's good, i just dread the moments leading up to it. Running is definitely not my thing. I have to find another outlet for cardio. I need to find time for gym time, or make friends with new PTs.

I want to hike, daytrips maybe. And also take up swimming. So many things on my plate!

I know I need to prioritize lest I dont get all. The only thing consistent now is Salsation. I'm very selective about my classes, I ddnt use to be. actually I did, I just followed one instructor everywhere, but shes based nearby so i can follow most of her classes. now im sort of over Zumba. just doesnt get me anymore.

I have a training end of January. I said its because I wanted to improve my skills. but hey theres no harm if I actually do teach later.

So thats physical activity and creativity outlet adressed.

Other areas I wanna address is nutrition and spiritual needs. and later relational ones.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

umbrella of darkness and sacred conversation

brace yourself this will be long. or i might break it up. its been more than a week month since a post. i thought i wanted to do a one a day post to be my version of inktober. but nope. so here s something i got from an event i went to recently.

i actually started another blog so i can make it more of a public thing. but im more comfortable here i guess. and the adsense was never approved there cox its too young.

first about the event. i bought tickets months in advance, as soon as it was announced. i needed to fill that spiritual gaping void i knew i had. ive only been topping my physical needs love tank in the forms of avid exercising. (oh the post work out high~). ive been to several of her talks since how many years ago. she started by writing. so one of her first talks was her reading out one of her writings. it was at being me. then i found out about her divorce. i felt that yea if she could be tested by that, what about me a mere mortal. and that concluded with finding out shes married at the end of those two days.

i thought ive heard enough of her talks to gain anything from it. but u was wrong. initially i was slightly sceptical. but i knew i had to do it for myself. i was open and receptive. when she told us to set our intentions i ddnt know what to focus on. but alhamdulillah by the end of i needed to hear everything she said and took away something.

i even spent time at two major mosques. the national mosque and also the federal territory mosque. i loved the different architectural styles, the expansive open space and the general calm of the place. just sitting there. contemplating.

the idea behind umbrella of darkness is that, its actually bright and sunny everywhere but when we're under the umbrella we dont realise it. we are clouded and consumed by darkness and see everything as dark. the truth of the matter is that everything has an appointed time. even the darkness. and yes even the light. but its funny sometimes i prefer the cool dark of the night. its soothing and comforting. i guess sometimes we need both.

as humans our physical bodies have an innate ability to heal itself. all cells, except certain non regenerative cells such as the brain and cardiac. but even studies are refuting this to a certain extent. (update: i just watched a ted talk here about adult neurogenesis, lack of it correlates with depression)

anyway her point was that, if God gave your body that ability what of our spiritual/mental self. (update: i also watched a ted talk about emotional first aid here) it too heals. just believe in that. know where youre headed. and know what to do when youre under the umbrella. know what to do during the trial. how to close the umbrealla if youre strong enough. and if u cant how to hold on knowing its good for you and that it will end. sounds like my housemanship! haha knew i had to go through and that it will be good for me. and that it will end.

so we are not merely physical bodies with souls. theres a lot of other dimensions to our being. apart from the biological, the thoughts, our emotions and feelings, our spirituality, relational needs, our dietary and nutritional needs. all these needs to be fulfilled.

stimulis, stressors and events are external things which interact with our self and we in turn react to that giving our external behaviour. or even changing us on the insides. on all those different aspects of us.

so at our very core, there the heart, and in the very core of that is a special place that should only be filled by God. its fitrah. theres a place for everything else too. for other things we are allowed to love. our family, friends, career, love of nice things. we are allowed all those but only in its right place and proportion. the only place reserved for God should only be fille dby God.

this is in essence the story line of the American Gods book by my fave author neil. the modern world is so consumed and lost that we take other than God as god. that book describes things we serve such as wealth, power, media. and in our daily lives, spouses, children, career. they are our center and we revolve around that.

we need to reset and ensure that the only thing we are centered upon is God. its what consumes us. what our day revolves around, that will be the thing our prayers revolve around. what we pray for, if not to. nauzubillah.

another major take away is to think Good of God. our adab when praying and asking from God. if we know what go through is from God, we will chin up and take it in stride. we know its good for us and we have to go through it.

the phrase with difficulty there is ease is sometimes wrongly interpreted as, after difficulty there comes ease. but the fact is, along with the difficulty there is still some ease at the same, but we are too consumed with the pain we do not see the parts which do not hurt. do not be gratitude deficient.

when Musa AS faced the sea, God said strike the sea. and God willing it parted. he still had to do his part. actually strike the sea, even though God parted it.

Do your part by climbing the mountain, take the hike. but that doesnt mean you have to carry the whole burden yourself. leave that to God. like Hajar. she knew the test was from God. but she trusted in God and kept on climbing the moutain, multiple times until it resulted in the everflowing well.

shift your focus. what you focus on grows. do a gratitude journal. it becomes a habit. our outlook in life is the only thing that determines how we change out views.

make dua about it. is there anything you can do? then do it. have i done everything about it? do it.

when thoughts come knocking at your door. you can choose to let it in, offer it some tea or let be on on its own accord. you can choose to entertain whom you will. this includes your thoughts who lingers in your sacred place. the mind.

the mind. the heart. are all sanctuaries. you choose. amek dua abou it. who you let it.

make istikarah about it. ask Allah to take the wheel. the determining factor is how it unfolds. if theres a block. multiple blocks. take it me away from it. it away form me. if its good for me bring me closer to it. it closer to me. having done istikarah doesnt mean it will be smooth all the way. there will blocks for you to come over but it was the path you were meant to endure.

anxiety is the fear of the pain. the anticipation. before it actually occurs.

what do we do while we are in pain. how to power through to cope. when we do reps at the gym. you focus on the outcome. not the pain in the moment. start counting when it hurts. or at least on the preset target.

once the night passes. how do we move on from there. healing form the pain. first of all. stop picking at the scabs during the healing process. you will scar deeper and the wound wont heal properly.

the things she prescribed are as before. i just have to keep reminded. and actually do it. just do it. regardless.

i have about 5 pages more notes to summarize. till another time hey.

royal chulan kuala lumpur.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

love tank

continuing the love tank theme from yesterday (i wrote the prev post yesterday but fell asleep while waiting for my henna to dry) below is an excerpt from an forum thread. i think its a beautiful explanation.

i usually am aprehensive about writing things like this, but i just realized the view counts on this blog is just me checking for typos. so basically nobody comes here. heh so write we go.

but before reading the thread below, let me share from yesterday's yasmin talk go to 21:45, she describe what it meant.
until i heard this ive never been satisfied with any explantion about uhibbuka fiAllah. i love your for Allah. what does it mean. how does one do it. i love you enough to do what? according to yasmin, when you love someone for Allah, you love to them, when i give something to you as a friend, i dont expect something in return. i give a favour for Allah, because of Allah, through Allah. i dont expect anything in return, time, appreciation, support. the reward will be from God, not from you. you dont owe me. we are not needy. we dont need the people. we are not vulnerable when we wait for something from them. we are putting our trust in the wrong place to seek for support, fulfilment and self worth (validation). either poeple or other things such as career grades material things. other things to make us feel good about ourselves. those things are weak and cannot provide us.

the solution: refocus on Allah and our relationship with Him. within the relationship with people, through Allah, because Allah and for Allah. i dont need reciprocation. the giving back doesnt come from you, it comes from Allah.

How do you respond when someone says to you that they love you for the sake of Allah (uhibbuka fi-Allah)?

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

The great Hadith scholar and jurist of this Umma, Imam Nawawi (Allah have mercy on him) has dedicated a whole chapter to the topic of loving others for the sake of Allah in his work Riyadh al-Salihin titled: “The virtues of loving for the sake of Allah and its encouragement, and a man who loves another, informing him that he loves him, and what to say to him when he informs him.” The Imam then quotes numerous Qur’anic verses and Hadiths regarding the virtues of loving others for the sake of Allah, its benefits and rewards, and some etiquette. 

In summary, there are three issues here: 1) Virtues and benefits of loving for the sake of Allah, 2) Informing the person one loves that one loves them for the sake of Allah, and 3) How to respond when informed of this love? 

1) Virtues and benefits of loving for the sake of Allah 

Sayyiduna Anas (Allah be pleased with him) relates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Anyone who possesses three attributes will experience the sweetness of faith (iman): that he loves Allah and His Messenger more than anything else; that he loves someone for the sake of Allah alone; and that he hates the idea of reverting to disbelief, after Allah has released him from it, as much as he would hate being thrown into fire.” (Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim) 

Loving for the sake of Allah means one loves an individual simply because of the connection he holds with Allah; either because he worships Allah and is doing something to further the deen of Allah, or, even more praiseworthy, merely because he is from the creation of Allah. There is no worldly motive behind this love such as a favour done by him, and is not subject to any fluctuation. As such, it is not increased by the character and kindness of the one loved and not decreased by his shortcomings. (Ibn Allan, Dalil al-Falihin 2/240) 

2) Informing the person that one loves them for the sake of Allah 

Abu Karima al-Miqdad ibn Ma’dikarib (Allah be pleased with him) relates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “When a man loves his brother, he should inform him that he loves him.” (Sunan Abi Dawud no: 5124 and Sunan Tirmidhi no: 2393) 

As such, it is a Prophetic recommendation to inform the person one loves for the Sake of Allah of this love, since this will increase their mutual love and strengthen the bond of brotherhood. It is also good to disclose that this love is for Allah’s sake alone, and not because of any worldly gain or motive. 

3) How to respond when being informed of this love? 

Sayyiduna Anas (Allah be pleased with him) relates that a man was sitting in the company of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) and another man passed by him. He said, “O Messenger of Allah, I love this man.” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said to him, “Have you informed him?” He said, “No.” He said, “Inform him,” so he caught up with him and said, “I love you for the sake of Allah.” He said, “May the One for whom you love me [Allah] love you.” (Sunan Abi Dawud 1522) 

In light of this practice of the Companion (Allah be pleased with him), if one is informed by someone that they love one for the sake of Allah (uhibbuka fi-Allah), one should respond by saying, “ahabbakalladhi ahbabtani lahu,” meaning may Allah Most high, for the sake of Whom you have love for me, love you. It is a way of reciprocating them for their love and making Dua for them, Insha Allah. 

And Allah knows best
Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa 
Leicester , UK 


do not get angry. la taghdob.

thank you yasmen mogahed a talk in 2013.

islam acknowledges anger. we feel anger. its there for a reason. like the purpose of pain. its to protect the weak from oppression. not in order to harm or oppress others.

islam doesnt say anger doesnt exist. its what you do with the anger.

another reason is to protect ourselves against our own nafs. not so that we self hate. so that we direct the anger towards our lower self of our own selves. the wrong way is to defend that lower part of our own selves.

what causes anger and feeds it?

1 feeling not in control. nobody is in control. Allah is in control. none of us are.
the cure: we need to let go of wanting to control every little thing.

2 high expectations. any expectations (sense of entitlement ie this is what i deserve), when u expect from the creation and dunya. vs hoping and praying for something. the moment u get it, u cant really enjoy it coz u expect it. i meant to get this anyway. if u dont expect it, u surprise yourself and are more grateful for it. on the contrary if you dont get it, you will be broken.
the cure: dont feel entitled.

(note: there is a minimum humane expectation. there certain minimum levels of respect and dignity you are entitled to. know your rights)

you are not punished for your anger, you are punished by your anger.

on a separate note. heres a talk about being let down. being constantly sad and empty. you are holding on to a twig, it wasnt designed to hold your weight, you fall. you're hanging on to the wrong things. you're filling your self with the wrong thing. with the wrong types of love and devotion. devote yourself to God. the love and the mercy is a sign. its a means of God. a means of reaching Allah. it's not an end in itself. its not the purpose. this is a sign for those who reflect. its a sign of Allah's Love and Mercy and Kindness. this other person isnt to save us. The only thing that can save you is your Creator. the only One who is meant to fill you up, to fulfil you give you happiness and strength is the the Creator. the other person wasn't meant to fulfil that role.

the disappointment is due to the wrong expectations. the love tank can only be filled with God. stop filling it up with the wrong thing which contracts, evaporates quickly and is draining afterwards.

Sunday, October 1, 2017



waiting for the dark cold months of winter and the spring that follows. ppl living in the tropics wont understand. its hot and humid or hot and wet.

i reconstructed my own lipbalm today. i broke a body shop cocoa butter stick and kept it in a container. it was too soft for malaysian weather. or maybe i opened it too long. anyway. my cousin makes her own cosmetics and taught me how to simply melt the ingredients and refill an empty balm stick. which i did. and i added some of her red red red tinted lipbalm in tiny amounts. so my balm ended up a nice shade of pink.

my lips are so sore and chapped and lichenified and basically black and bleeding. i have to let it heal. i dunno if its the dx or se of the meds. i think its the latter coz its my first time taking it. it flares everytime i get stressed. this time was emotional, physical, fatigue, and maybe all that travelling. weather and maybe i was supressing my stress

i wanted to blog about the trip. but maybe next time. always a next time.

what else did i do today. activated 2 loyalty card programmes. and registered for another one. but ddnt read the fine print and lost out on a discounted meal and free coffee. shux.

rode on mrt on the first day it became normal price. hence less crowd. and nice journey with the kiddos. anfaal broke her lip too. i wasnt there. i was doing some shopping on my own. i dunno why i bought 2 hairbands and an eyemask. ok coz hair was all over my face duringyoga yesterday. and i why do i put up with the cheap free ones from airplanes when it keeps moving nd i cant sleep. and at the cashier, a new lipbalm for charity. why is edible. read the ingredient and it even has stevia lol. it was sweet.

yoga yesterday coz i cant next week. neither can the teacher. no pictures as my yoga partner wasnt around. but we learnt a variant of the supported headstand. this time i got up on my own. i hope the posture was correct. and she ddnt see and comment. plus no picture i can check my alignment. my shoulder and back is super sore today. so i knew i hit the correct spots.

just for my notes here are the sequences i can remember.

on all 4s. round the back. focus on opening shoulder back and chest not the lower back. avoid hunching. i cant remember what she called the opposite way. in my head its hyperextension of the spine. maybe she said curved back. same thing. focus on the ribcages and opening the chest. otherwise will end up hunching. this really helped. coz i cant really focus on where my shoulder blades are. when she tells me to pull in down. she means caudally. get confusing when youre upside down in an inversion.

full plank. elbow plank. back to full plank. shift from one arm to the other in  sequence. do it deliberately. then point toes (like a tiptoe if standing) and plank. squeeze glutes.

downward dog. stretch hamstrings by alternating one leg straight and the other one bent. then straighten both and push pelvic bones caudally.

one leg in front outside of both arms. front leg 90'. back leg straight. contract inner thighs and back leg glutes. open chest and face opposite side, outer arms straight up. open up chest and rib cage and back. breathe. releaser slowly. repeat opposite side.

sit. do half a sideways split. right leg crossed at symphysis. left straight out. back straight.

repeat all on both sides. child's after each cycle. timed to about 5 breathes each. dont forget to breath when holding in the pain. you should just let it go and feel the pain lol. leaves my muscles all fasciculating. dunno lack of oxygen coz wasnt breathing or it was from the pain.

this sequence is great. i thought we werent prepping for an inversion. but we were and i did!

the tiptoes full plank and half split was prep for remembering which muscles to activate when u go into tripod and stack you head, spine and finally pelvis on top of one another in a straight line. at this point your straight leg will naturally lift along with the pelvis. and the other leg is on tiptoes. which u raise slowly. dont even extend it.

later more advanced class i think.

oh another great tip is try to balance a yoga block on your head to find out the spot you should balance yourself on. other points would just hurt. and get you arm really 90' with the ground and shoulder. and open all the fingers to spread the weight, but keep thumbs closed and touching.

i should write down more yoga notes ey.

and i am in the middle of reading the official ted book on public speaking. go out and do something it says!! gaaa

to do: buy a sewing machine. sew reusable shopping bags. use them. find the boardgames. play them.

Thursday, September 28, 2017


if i have a child i might give her middle name this. dream

blogging since 2005 cant believe it hah

i moved it after a while coz it became too personal there. i don remember half of what i wrote. dunno what its about.

it was just a dream . i would actually do whatever it takes

problem with feeling too much. over the wrong things huh

i try not to get too personal here but yea this time round i am and it did happen.

i try not do something i would regret later or anything destructive to self. options include, cutting my hair, colouring it, perming it, usually doesn't stick, straight hair problems. disable my social media accounts. go out watch a movie. sleep a lot.

im am falling apart 

Wednesday, September 27, 2017



- If a problem does occur there are four things you need to do
1. Get it right – get the facts right
2. Get it fast – move to action swiftly
3. Get it out – get it completely out of the system
4. Get on – move on Never let a problem sit unattended to

- If a problem does occur you need to 
1. Get it right 2. Get it fast 3. Get it out 4. Get on 

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

self-awareness unicorns

i bookmarked this but never got round to reading it. i have a long list of saved posts im interested to read and will only end up reading it if it pops up several more times on my timeline. thanx to k hidayah i finally am reading the article and now just added the book to my to read list. its growing longer and longer. as i keep adding on to it. then i start reading. then i think i have to do my work. and vicious cycle.

(all these links, i hope they dont break, i reopened my old blog and most of the links dont function, i should screenshot and just paste it here probably)

so this article was about introspection. when u look inside and it doesn't help, its because you ask "why". asking "what" questions help better.

i will remind myself that the next time round

heres to better insight. helpful ones.

"what do i feel when he does this?" instead of "why does he make me feel that way" might answer more questions.

what am i? a unicorn. duh

the house is quite, the 3 girls have stopped screaming their heads off

meant to write a long winded post. but yea. car broke down today. so did i basically. my solution to the situation is that i need an iphone 8 lol. well i cant exactly get me an ipx can i. my boss thinks i need a new car. which i do not want to pay monthly for. my friend calculated ubering/grabbing everywhere is still cheaper than monthly payments for a car, considering, road tax, insurance, parking, petrol, maintenance etc3. except i go to several pitstops esp on mtg days. and i have gym things and mtg things (docu). i dont need to add another debt to pay. so i work so i can my debt? what?

none of this is on my social media. none of the important things are. its all fake there.

Sunday, September 3, 2017


its post holiday syndrome. im supposed to do my backlogged work i couldnt get myself to do before the trip. i was too stressed about the missing files i used that as an excuse not to start it at all. so here goes. 1 day and a half left. am spending the next half hour blogging to get things of my chest. i cant write about whats really bothering me. as its a no go. so ill write about the other less important thing ive thought about the past few weeks maybe months.

i read this book by marie kondo or more fondly known as konmari. she developed a technique on how to organise your space. its practical and get you in the right mindset. after the original book, theres also an encyclopedia of how to tackle specific things and also fold other things. my friend then suggested another book. simplicite. i read the translated english versions of both books. konmari is originally in japanese and its basically charming. i saw her on ellen and was immediately taken by her. simplicite is translated from the original french. love it too. the interesting about both of these books is that they both live in japan. how both are influenced by the philosophy and culture there. while konmari focuses on the home (where everything starts) simplicite explores the broader picture; first the surrounding enviro namely the home and personal space then goes on to explore the body and later attempts to declutter the mind.

a major point i took away from this is having personal help around the house. i dont know how malaysians and arabs manage to get anything done. we've always had someone clean up after us. even at the petrol station someone fills up for us, sometimes they even run to the counter to pay for us. at mcd and even ikea (shocks), someone clears our trays for us.

while we were growing up, mama was a full time home manager. she manages everything. she has a degree. but due the nature of my dads job, we moved A LOT, and other factors she alhamdulillah managed to stay home to look after us. so my point is we never had help. at least not full time help. once i a while someone would come and do specific jobs. but other than that we ddnt have an outsider living with us.

all this while, i hated house chores, coz we had to chip in do certain things. so ive always wanted a bibik.

but after reading those 2 books and seeing all the troubles of having a bibik entails, i have to the conclusion that when i have my own household, i will not have full time help.

(at least thats what i say now. if things get overwheling i might go back on my word tho. if i get the chance to have a household to manage that is. so many disclaimers)

example on bibik issues include : parenting issues, how they meddle with how we want to parent our children. house chore issues, how they are so wasteful, how they do certain specific tasks, how they dont take care of the items at home, and lots more. they think they know better. i think all this is preventable by setting the right tone of employer-employee relationship from the outset.

theres this part in where she explains of the philosophy of cleaning up; i cant remember where it is exactly but the idea is this: in life there are gonna be things that is way out of your control, if there are things going wrong or not your way, you will always have one area in your which you can control namely by tidying up. so there is space in your life you can put things right. which i love. i never thought of it that way. tidying up is taking charge of your enviro.

everyone around me is having bibik issues. i think its not good the family enviro to have a stranger be involved in the personal space like that. i have a few ideas for a housing area where all the bibik will congregate in single bedroom hostels, or have that be an annex to the house. i can imagine the problems they bring if they go back daily and discuss each household's issues at their hostel.

i would also flip the streets. so that the driveway and parking would be at the back alleys, along with the service roads and bomba access. the front and facade of the house will be facing each other line by a common garden for the kids to safely play in and be shaded from each other by trees for privacy.

i actually want to prevent the concept of the bibik alley which is happening right now in my neighbourhood. we live in a terraced housing area, so the bibiks congregate daily during office hours when most home owners are away at work. they sit in each of their employer's homes doing their chores but shout from house to house conversing. in indonesian non the less. also happens on weekends. the back alley is dirty. but they also take the kids they are in charge of, coz they cant leave the kids. they also get in and out of the house form the back. so safety issues there.

i think im procrastinating on the tidying up coz i ddnt want to face the actual issues. i think its true what konmari hypothesizes.

on another note, oprah's what i know for sure is also a great read. but ill review that later with grit. im in the middle of several books right now.

intresting article i found on the economics of tidying up and how to shop 

so heres blogging out of the way. on to proper work. May Allah ease.